I have only really told a few people this… but throughout the pregnancy, I had some really crazy fears going on that Nat and Malachi (then called “the baby”) weren’t going to be okay. Irrational/unexplainable fears. Then on Sunday night and all day Monday, I was facing them head on again. Looking down at Malachi and watching the midwife pull the chord around his neck stopped my heart. Then I saw the knot and I thought it was done. Natalie had never done an all natural delivery before either, so I wasn’t ready for the pain she experiencing either. Very unexplainable emotions… just very numbing.
This week, I received an email about a friend of a friend whose baby recently passed away because of the knot in the chord. It’s crazy that would happen at the same time as our situation. How would I respond? Could I really still say “blessed be the name of my God?” Do I say “praise God” now because Malachi is okay? Is my worship conditional?
What I’m coming to realize is that my trust is somehow linked with my integrity. God’s been really working me over on the topic of trust. Could be partially my slow re-read of Brennan Manning’s “Ruthless Trust,” or maybe God just works all things for his purposes ;). The question I face is whether I truly, forever, with all integrity trust God… whether my children are safe or in danger… whether my wife is healthy or sick. Will God still be good?
My theology better match my life on all fronts, or let’s be honest… we’re just blabbering jokers. I can’t talk about trust and not live it out. I can’t talk about mission and not live it out. Do I truly trust God? How will that be apparent?
this has been a late night rambling of an exhausted new (relatively new) father…